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Clamps. [15 Aug 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

They do not feel good. They hurt. They don't make masturbation any more pleasurable. They left marks on my breasts, which I did not expect. I am upset about it. How do I explain the marks to my boyfriend when he sees the marks? I am still embarrassed about my sexual curiosity, it seems. I am afraid of what he might think. Bah.

Just a few more days until I move in with him. I am so happy :)

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Update on trying out slavery. [08 Aug 2006|04:34am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Yeah screw it. I'm never being a "slave" again.

1 comment|post comment

Discovering ice cubes, and a new Internet friend. [07 Aug 2006|10:08pm]
[ mood | content ]

Only two more weeks until I move in with my boyfriend. So for these last two weeks, I have a master online. This guy sent me a message, wanted to know if I would consider being his webcam slave basically. I decided to give it a shot. Today is my first day on the job, and so far, well it's not too hard. Kind-of... blah, really. Maybe I'm just not meant to be the slave type. BUT, I have learned that I love ice cubes. YES. G had me try putting ice cubes on my breasts and my pussy. Before, I had heard of people "using" ice cubes but I didn't understand what the appeal could be. Now I know, it is strangely exciting, that suddenly cold sensation, and the water dripping down. I like it a lot. I can hardly wait to try this with my lover (: Speaking of him, he is as sexy as ever. I am so elated that in just two weeks, I will be able to see him every night. *sigh*

P.S. My new master-dude says that tonight he wants me to try putting hair clips on my body, like clamps. I guess that will be something different. Not sure if I'll like it or not. We'll see.

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All right, thought this would be fun to do. [31 Jul 2006|01:32am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Got it from someone on my friends list.

1. What's your favorite drink?
2. Ever had sex drunk?
Never been drunk.
3. Ever had sex with someone you didn't know?
No, just cyber.
4. Ever gone to a party/club with one person and went home with someone else?
5. How many people total have you slept with?
One was the real thing. Cybered three.
6. Ever slept with your best friends significant other?
No, I never would.
7. When did you last have sex?
Back in early June. Cybered last night.
8. Ever gotten high?
9. Ever been in a real fight?
Not since I was a little kid.
10. Ever given oral to a complete stranger?
11. Ever had sex with a complete stranger?
12. Ever had sex with someone and never seen their face?
13. Ever fantasize about a teacher?
14. Ever slept with a teacher?
15. Most number of people you've had sex with in a week? a day?
16. Ever shoplifted?
Yes but I feel guilty about it, and I don't think I will again unless desperate.
17. Ever lied to someone to sleep with them?
18. Ever paid someone/been paid for sex?
19. Would you ever do it with an animal?
No, and nobody should.
20. Ever gotten someone drunk just so you could sleep with them?
21. Ever had a 3some?
No... but sometimes I wonder... but then again I always end up thinking I'd rather not. Or would I? But with two males. I can't stand the thought of groping a chick.
22. Ever cheated on a gf/bf? why?
23. Ever have anal sex?
No, unless accidental counts. He pulled too far out, so when he thrusted back in it was the wrong target -_- He then apologized profusely. I honestly believe he didn't mean to. He knows I am against it.
24.Ever hooked up with someone from myspace or livejournal?
No, but met my lover through ICQ.

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My boyfriend finally tried some Internet sexin', and said he'd marry me. [31 Jul 2006|01:24am]
[ mood | pleased ]

I just wish he had a working webcam so I could watch him get off while watching me strip for him and pose and please myself. Ah well. Soon it won't matter. He said he would marry me. He said he wants to allow me stay there, and that he knows he needs to marry me to do it. I am ecstatic. This is what I have waited for since the beginning. Not marriage itself, but the permission to be with him and stay. I would write more but I am tired. Maybe tomorrow.

Also, hello new LJ friends (:

2 comments|post comment

[19 Jul 2006|04:16pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Me oh my, sometimes I completely forget about this journal. Take this as my promise to update later tonight, but for now I must eat dinner and go to work!

2 comments|post comment

A badee-badee-badee-ba-deepthroat it all folks! [13 Jul 2006|04:21pm]
[ mood | envious ]

I saw a gif where this woman deepthroated the entire thing without vomiting. I wish I could deepthroat. My boyfriend wishes I could deepthroat. I can't -_- Well, I can take it down a bit, like just the very tip, but if I "push it" then I choke. I have never actually gagged or thrown up, I just, suddenly can't breathe so I pull myself off him and quickly force myself to inhale air. I am very much afraid of really gagging someday. He says he wouldn't look down on me for it, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It just seems it would be humiliating, to be having an intimate session and then ruin it all with something so disgusting. I wonder... is there some sort of "secret" or "trick" to doing it. Maybe if I hold my head at just the right angle. Maybe if I try to distract myself so I won't be so aware of pressure in my throat. Maybe if I numb my throat by... eating a bunch of ice cream? I just don't want to gag. I don't want to gag. I don't want to gag.

10 comments|post comment

If you want my comments... [12 Jul 2006|11:04pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

...then you're going to have to turn off IP-logging. It just makes me uneasy, because this is so private.

In another news, I am thinking about making a community just for cock art. Heh. I had this idea the other day of drawing a "mushroom" and having a naked fairy woman fluttering about and... eh just an idea.

I wish my lover would let me take pictures of his super special private parts. But no. He just won't do it. Even if I offer to like dress it up in a little suit and hat so it's more covered, he still won't let me! Bah. Males should embrace the artistic side of their genitals. It's art, I say! (unless it's uncut, then it's not, ooh burn).

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Breaking it off with G. [05 Jul 2006|11:10pm]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

Tonight I checked out G's profile and saw he had risque comment from some other lady. I felt jealous. So I knew then that I had to break it off, because I was becoming too attached. I had sensed it before too, when I found myself checking his profile all the time and hoping he had sent me a message. I suppose it would be one thing if I chose him just for looks, but I am ridiculously picky and so it's more like I genuinely thought he was a clever, funny, interesting male. It's really no wonder that I feel this emptiness now that I have explained to him why I can't talk to him anymore. And I almost hoped he would protest but he did not, not in the least. He is content to have just "fuck buddies" whereas I really really want more. It makes me feel hurt in spite of myself. But on the other hand I am happy that I got this out of my system, that I learned from it, and that now I appreciate my boyfriend even more, even if he is far away. Good news, though, I think he really is serious about letting me come live with him this time. I'm so excited, and my hopes are sky-high. If I can stay with him in person long enough, maybe he'll feel ready to marry me so that I can get a job there and become a citizen and finally have that feeling that he doesn't ever want to let me go. I want great sex AND great love.

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Second cam-whore adventure, not so good. [02 Jul 2006|01:47am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

So I admit to being full of lust again tonight and I really wanted to cam for G but he wasn't around. Some other guy sent me a message though and he could spell and he looked decent and since I was all dressed up for it anyway I decided eh why not. But this guy... bah, wasn't as good as talking dirty like G is. And he brought up anal-fingering, ugh. Anything anal is an instant turn-off for me. I ended up telling him that I had to go very soon just so he would stop talking and get off. I could have just closed the IM window and blocked him, but somehow, I was feeling too "nice." Regardless, I don't think I'll start camming with some random guy again. I'll wait patiently for someone I know, and who knows me sexually too. As for the guy from tonight, guess I'll just block him and I'm sure he'll get over it.

My lover wants me to wait two more months before I can finally live with him. That's right, he says I can live with him... but he has said that before. I still have hope that this really will be the time where I move in with him and then I won't need to wander the Internet looking for satisfaction anymore. I'll still update this, but it will be filled with how it's going with my lover, and not moping about things I wish we could do but can't because of distance. I love him more than anyone I'd ever chat with online, and I think he knows it.

Edit: Now G is online so I feel like a dumbass for not just waiting a bit longer.

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My first really naughty webcam. [30 Jun 2006|12:12pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

A couple nights ago my new online friend, who I will just call G, coaxed me into something like Internet foreplay, and then showing off my body on webcam... and eventually touching myself for his viewing pleasure. He really liked it, and I liked that he liked it. I like him. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I did meet him in person (it's pure fantasy, I would never meet him) and just how good it could be. He has a really nice cock, and I wonder what something that big would feel like pushing deep inside me. Now here is the part where I feel ashamed. I think my boyfriend would be hurt by these thoughts if he knew, but it's just that I get lonely, really lonely, and this long-distance relationship has lasted two years and he still isn't ready to let me move in with him. And he won't talk really dirty to me, and he won't do sexy things on webcam for me though I have asked. I love my boyfriend, but I can't help but feel more doubtful as time goes on and on and I want to marry him and he says no and I want to live with him and he says no. It makes me feel insecure about how serious he is about keeping me around. What I really want is to feel like someone really loves me, is hopelessly in love with me and thinks I am fantastic in every way and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And I have waited and waited. But nothing comes, so now G makes me feel sexually desirable and my boyfriend makes me feel like.. he.. might.. someday... possibly... love me enough to overcome fears and marry me. /:

Enough sad thoughts, back to sex thoughts. I never thought I would do it, but when I did show off on cam for G, I really enjoyed it. I miss sex, I miss sex a lot. And I felt he wanted me, really wanted me then. I teased him with my white stockings with the bows and my new stringy thong. He was falling all over himself to fuck me. It was an exhilirating feeling. It was lust, it was power. And it turned me on so much. And when he came, I was so thrilled, so happy, so proud of myself, so confident, so awesome. I think I want to do it again, and with each time I will become less awkward about it, and then I can really let go and I could cum for him too. He would like that (:

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It happened again. [25 Jun 2006|01:06am]
I am so sick of stupid and ugly older men hitting on me. I tell them I have a boyfriend, I tell them I'm not interested, I tell them I'd never date them in my life, and do they back off? No, they just continuing acting stupid and ugly all over the place, ruining my good time. Sometimes I hate being female. If I had junk they'd leave me alone.
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Someone new to talk to. [24 Jun 2006|12:43pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I found someone online that is attractive, experienced, can actually spell, and is skilled at talking dirty. As I've said before, talking dirty is something new for me. For some reason, it was easier for me to talk that way to a stranger than to my own boyfriend. I guess because I worry what my boyfriend will think of what I say than what some Internet person will. Anyway, I talked to him(my new friend) for a while last night through IM, and he said what he would do to me and I said what I would do to him, and he sent me a picture of his cock, and I sent him a picture of the panties I was wearing. It didn't seem like cheating because it was just online, just talking, but once he sent me the picture of his erection I started to wonder if this was wrong. Because it looked so appealing to me, that I began to think I really would like to feel such a gorgeous thing in my hands, my mouth, and between my legs. But if I knew my lover were having such fantasies about some woman, I would feel insecure, inadequate. So if he knew I were behaving this way with someone else, it probably would upset him, so maybe it is wrong. I have tried to get him to talk dirty to me more, to show off for me with pictures or on webcam, but he just doesn't feel comfortable with him. It leaves me wanting. I just wish he would let me stay with him. Then I wouldn't be tempted by people online who share my fantasies. I just feel guilty and confused, and yet I still keep thinking about my new online friend's words. He is hot. Damn me.

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It's better to face these kinda things with a sense of poison rationality. [23 Jun 2006|06:40pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Things have not been going so well with my lover. Months ago, he wanted me to marry him but I was not ready and told him so. He was heartbroken. More recently, I have come to feel that I AM ready, but whenever I tell him this he says he doesn't feel that way anymore, that he's too afraid, that he is afraid I might leave him. I swear over and over again I would never do that, but he says things just aren't like they used to be. I asked him if he still wanted me to live with him, and he said he didn't think that would work out either. Now I am afraid of losing him, because he lives far away and unless I can move there or he marries me, it will be another year or so of this long distance relationship, seeing him what, only twice a year? This has had me very distressed these past few days. I talk to him about things but I cannot seem to understand him. He says he loves me, and wants only to be with me, but still he does not want me to stay with him? I just don't understand. This is affecting my sexual confidence as well. I have a hard time thinking that he used to love me enough to know he wanted to be with me forever, but now he doesn't, but he still wants me to visit every now and then and of course there will be lots of sex. It makes me feel insecure, ashamed, that I am sleeping with him because I am in love with him but I no longer know exactly how he feels about me. He seems to care, but I just don't get it. Why can't I stay with him? I don't think he's cheating. I cannot fathom him doing such a cruel thing. I just don't know what's going on. If I think about how much I love him, I feel so hurt knowing he does not seem to feel it as much as I do. But if I try to push those thoughts away, I feel like I'm "giving up" and letting our relationship become nothing more than a casual thing, which is absolutely not what I want. So insecure now, I don't know what to do.

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Naughty chat log and some private photos for my lover. [15 Jun 2006|09:57pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

This is the first time I have had a chat like this with my boyfriend. Sure, we have talked about wanting to have sex before, but it was written much more poetic- and romantic-like then. This is the first chat we have had where he started being a tad more crude, using colourful language and being more direct. Verrry arousing for me. I like when he is a little dominating. I would like to dominate him too, but this shyness is ingrained so deep, it's hard for me. But I can tell that slowly he is helping me become more bold. Before I could never tell him what I really wanted, but now I can. I still blush madly whenever I do confess the sexual things I want to try, but at least I am not silent about it anymore.

Lover: yesss
Lover: i love you dressed like that, hussy
Me: Huzzah!
Lover: i love you
Lover: lets me see you like that
Lover: i want you like that.
Lover: please.. be like that...
Lover: with.. me
Me: Okay (:
Lover: in your tank top!
Me: That's what I'm wearing RIGHT NOW!
Lover: oh my goodness
Lover: what else?
Me: Black pleated skirt
Lover: i cant picture that
Lover: are you wearing a bra?
Me: No
Lover: yesssssss
Me: (L)
Lover: yesssssssssssssssss!
Lover: can i see?
Me: Yes
Lover: yesssssssssssss
Lover: i love you
Me: I love you too
Lover: i love you
Me: I love you too
Lover: i heart you
Lover: i wish i could have you in that.. here.
Lover: no panties either
Me: How could you be saying these things if **** is with you?
Lover: he is watching tv on the computer, i am on my bed with lappy
Me: No panties either.
Lover: now?
Lover: yessss
Me: Oh how I miss you
Lover: i love you too
Lover: i want that.. so hard
Me: Oh mine
Me: (:
Lover: lapdance
Me: Yeah!
Lover: like that.
Lover: that would be a good one
Lover: or another outfit
Lover: you know, sitting on my lap, facing me, grinding
Me: *nod nod nod*
Lover: thats what you need to do
Me: I agree. Too bad we are so far apart
Lover: too bad
Lover: tits
Lover: nice
Me: Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxxxx
Lover: sex
Lover: love your tits
Lover: your fine ass
Me: Yay
Lover: your shaved pussy
Me: :$
Lover: so delicious
Me: *hug* I love you, mine
Lover: rub it against me
Me: I want to... I will, when I can
Lover: my penis, my face.
Lover: i love it
Lover: i love you
Me: Naughty Lover(L)
Lover: yes!
Me: Yes
Lover: yes!
Lover: let me lick you down there
Me: Very naughty lover
Lover: rape my face with it
Me: Okaaaaay (L)
Lover: let me touch it
Lover: let me rub it.
Lover: let me stick my fingers in it
Me: *cling* okay, okay, okay, my lover
Lover: i love you
Lover: i love you
Lover: my sexy little thing
Me: I love you too, I love the things you say, naughty Lover. *kis*
Lover: fuck me, you whore, fuck me.
Me: :$Oh you
Lover: fuck me, fuck me
Lover: let me inside you.
Me: You know I want to
Lover: please let me rape you. and then when i am close to cumming i want to come in your mouth, and then continue betwixt your legs
Me: So, naughty.
Me: *hides in your pants*
Lover: you want this too?
Me: Yes, I do, very much so.
Lover: i really want that..
Me: I really want you
Lover: rape your secret place and then pull out to have you suck me off.
Lover: and then rape you again, again
Lover: to make you twitch
Me: Such torment when you say these things. You fill me with lust for you, and the things you do to me and let me do to you. I want to be with you now, it is driving me crazy
Lover: i love you
Lover: i am sorry for doing this to you
Me: I love you too
Lover: but.. i need to so you want me forever
Me: I like it anyway. I like to think about you and me... and I like that you think about it too
Me: The sex, such amazing sex
Lover: more sex/
Me: And things we haven't even done yet!
Lover: more private awesome sex
Lover: sex me, my little one
Lover: sex m
Lover: me
Lover: in ways unimaginable
Me: I will, as soon as I can... and even before then, I will in my dreams
Lover: and when you are alone in your bed at night
Lover: think of me, and rub yourself
Me: *nod* Earlier today, I had a bath for you. A very pleasurable bath, thinking so hard of you and... things about you
Lover: did you orgasm, loveR?
Me: Yes, and my legs actually... strained or cramped or something... it hurt, but it was worth it
Lover: so very worth it
Me: Yes, because otherwise... it was so good. Not as good as the real thing, but still good
Lover: thats my girl
Lover: i want you to orgasm with you rubbing yourself, one day
Me: I think I could do it if you helped me
Lover: maybe with me around..
Lover: how would you like me to help
Me: You know, things
Me: Help, things, you do things
Lover: with you around, i could suck your breast
Lover: rape your face
Me: ...yes.
Me: Of course, just you being there while I do such a thing is new and makes me embarrassed but also tis exciting, because, naughty. Things.
Lover: i cant wait!
Lover: no! *spank*
Lover: in the future you will be raped by me
Me: But I want you to rape me now
Lover: you cant. dont you have work tomorrow?
Me: Yes, and it starts at 9am, but you have me so lusty now
Me: And I miss you, I miss you so deeply
Lover: rub yourself to orgasm
Lover: i love you
Me: I love you too
Me: I guess I will go to bed
Lover: i love you too lover love
Me: I wish you could see me. I am all pretty.
Lover: i know you are
Me: In my white tank top and skirt, and no bra...
Me: and lip gloss! My lips are so shiny
Me: I long to kiss you, hard
Lover: oh noes1
Lover: so nice
Me: Goodnight, sexy Lover. I miss you. I love you.
Lover: goodnight loves
Lover: i love you

Inspired by our lusty conversation last night, I took some pictures of me in a new dress and gave them to him. That makes the first time I ever shared pictures with him that were "private." He likes them (: I wanted to keep them for myself too, but I am too paranoid that someone will find them somehow and link them to me. So I decided to crop, shrink, distort them, upload them to this journal and then delete the originals. This way I can remember my first naughty photos while still clinging to my love of privacy and secrecy.

"In my lover's arms, I wait for morning.
"In my lover's arms, I move in time. There's no more crying. There's no more lies. I never once in my sweet short life was waiting for desire."

PhotosCollapse )

I love that dress. I wore that and some black stringy stockings and these black shoes that are open on top but closed-toe, have little black bows over the toe part, a strap goes around just above the ankle, and a small, thin heel. I put on some makeup and put my hair up in pigtails, and wore a sheer gray choker with a small cross on it with little stones decorating the branches of the cross. I wandered out on the town like that, and I it got me just the looks I had been wanting. Looks of interest, admiration. There were a couple lads in particular at the park that kept looking my way while they threw some football around. I decided to hang around a little, but not approach them. More like I crept around and nonchalantly watched them from a picnic table or while I was walking by to get a drink. It was just nice to feel attractive. Lately I hadn't been feeling very good about my appearance. Some personal difficulties had left me unmotivated and I had let myself go for awhile, leaving my hair unwashed, eyebrows unplucked, no makeup, no shaving, no nice outfits. But today I ditched work in favour of a day just for me. I treated myself to two new shirts, a comfy pair of sandals(my first pair of sandals ever), that sheer choker I wore with the dress, and some cokes. It really was an excellent day, and I achieved it all by my lonesome.

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I LIVE. [14 Jun 2006|06:45pm]
There's a completely reasonable reason I haven't been writing. It's not that I have stopped thinking of sex, no of course not. It is just that I recently was the focus of some unwanted attention by some creepy old man. I showed NO interest, wasn't dressed for attention, but he was all Gropey McGee before I got away. This made me think. I want to have this journal be public, because I don't have anyone to talk to about this sort of thing and I thought it would be nice to just be part of an anonymous community, a safe place to share these thoughts and feelings. But now I imagine someone like THAT guy reading what I say, and entertaining disgusting thoughts. Ugh. At least I haven't provided any pictures, and never will on this journal. At least someone who wants to think gross thoughts about me can never know what I would look like. Yes, I suppose that is comforting. Have I mentioned that I am NOT turned on by the "older guy"? Because I'm not. In fact, the older the guy is than me, the more turned off I get. So I don't need some 65-year-old dude bumping into me and acting like he just KNOWS I want to have some saggy oldman coitus.

Now that I have vented about that, I announce that the re-opening of my sex journal. No more fears. If anyone should ever decide to harass me via this journal, I can just delete the comments, or take my journal elsewhere.
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An erotic poem. [03 Apr 2006|11:30pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

I actually wrote this little poem last week, I think, but I forgot to post it. I think it's rather obvious what it's about.

Ice Cream Cone
My lover is an ice cream cone
smooth and delicious
My delight is to taste him
and caress him with my lips
He melts in my mouth
my tongue searches for more
until every last drop is devoured
and my jaw rests
happily sore.

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A fantasy of mine. [03 Apr 2006|04:03am]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

Tonight he wanted me to share a fantasy of mine with him. I told him I was too embarrassed to. He asked if there was something he could do to make me feel less embarrassed, and I said he could be with me and hold me and kiss me. I knew he couldn't, because of the distance, but we say things like this all the time anyway. After hesitating until the last minute, I managed to tell my lover a fantasy of mine, but it was rushed because he was falling asleep and couldn't stay up any longer. Now I've decided to write out my fantasy in more detail. Maybe I will show it to him tomorrow... yeah, I think he would like that... or maybe I will wait longer. I am not sure. Just write the fantasy already!

There is a whirlpool in my house. My parents had it installed a few years ago. At first I was indignant, thinking that the money they had put into the luxury of a whirlpool could have been put to better use, like helping fund my college classes or something to that effect. But I got over that soon enough, because the whirlpool turned out to be my first real sexual delight. I found that if I let the jets stream and pound against the tender area between my legs, it stimulated me to heights I had never been close to reaching just using my hands. I remember my first time trying it. The more excited I got, the closer I would bring myself to the jet until I was pressed right against it, my legs up and over the side of the tub, using my hands to help hold my hips up to meet the infinite thrust of water. It pounded against my exposed clit with such intensity that I couldn't help but moan, and I began to feel a sensation of pleasure I had never felt before, tingling in my arms and legs rising in my chest. It just kept getting better and better! I couldn't take it anymore, and my hips jerked upward involuntarily while I pushed myself away from the jet, afraid that any more pleasure would kill me. But without any way for a "real release" I was left in sexual despair with my body throbbing and aching for that one last push over the edge but I didn't know how to give it. After these sessions I would sigh to myself, "One day I won't have to do this anymore. One day I will give myself to my love, and I will finally be satisfied." I could never orgasm on my own because I just couldn't seem to keep going. I would get to a certain point and be unable to take any more. I knew I needed my boyfriend to bring me all the way to ecstasy. On my own it was useless, but he could drive into me until I couldn't take it anymore and then keep going anyway, effectively driving me to bliss.

Jumping back to present, where 11 months have passed since I lost my virginity to my sexy boyfriend, it has been my fantasy for some time to combine the intense clitoral stimulation of the water jets with the truly satisfying release of having his wonderfully thick cock stuffed deep inside me.

So we fill up the whirlpool. My parents are long gone so we have nothing to worry about, not noise, not how much time we have, nothing. We take off our clothes and kiss each other, hold each other, and then settle into the tub together, both sitting down and both facing toward the jet that will soon be molesting me. I lean against my lover and he kisses and nibbles my ear. His hands fondle and squeeze my breasts, and then he turns on the jets. I ease myself close to the surging water, with my lover's hands grasping my hips, pushing me toward it until it is gushing directly against my sensitive areas. I sigh contentedly, and move my body up and down against the flow. My lover gropes me more aggressively now, aroused by the sight of me pleasing myself. He kisses and nibbles and licks my neck and shoulders and one hand slips between my legs. Using two fingers, he makes sure I am spread wide and exposed to the jet's flickering tongue. I moan quietly when he does this. "Dirty girl," he whispers to me. "Dirty dirty girl."
"Yes," I answer. "Yes, yes... yes." And I say his name with such desire, and my own hand wanders to join his between my legs. I want him to stroke me now, to make me want him inside me. I weakly push the button to turn off the jets, so I can enjoy just the feel of his fingers playing with my swollen clit and opening. He continues to whisper to me, about such a dirty girl I am, and I have to agree with him as I rock my body lustfully against his intruding fingers.

Then I know it is time, time to scream in pleasure with my lover thrusting inside me, so I move his hand away and turn to face him. I kiss his mouth, and our tongues push aggressively past each other. He pulls me tight against him and I cling just as passionately to him with both arms. I am so turned on, I grind against him, sighing with such want, such need for his body. I cannot stand to tease myself any more, and I take hold of him, and guide him inside me. He thrusts in to the hilt and I grasp him tighter, my mouth still eagerly enjoying his. We both start banging together urgently, and I moan but he keeps his mouth on mine, licking and sucking. The water is splashing wildly but we just don't care. I can keep this up for only a matter of seconds before I have to put my face down to his shoulder as that insane pleasure fills my body and I feel myself losing control. I am moaning louder and louder, my nails dragging across his slick back desperately, and I cry out his name, cry out for him to never stop fucking me, never stop fucking me.

I climax hard, spasming around his cock, trembling against him, still screaming in helpless delight, but he is not finished. He continues to thrust inside me until I am jolted by another orgasm... and another... until at last he jerks and cums generously into my tight little body. I lay exhausted and dazed against him, both of us soaked from water and sweat. My eyes close and I manage to plant soft, appreciative kisses on his shoulder before leaning back against him weakly to recover. And we both stay there, still stuck together, so satisfied with each other, resting. I thank heaven for my sexy boyfriend.

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A love poem and a hot drawing of me (: [31 Mar 2006|12:44am]
[ mood | accomplished and honoured ]

Rabbits In The Flowers

You and I are rabbits
in a patch of flowers
And every single flower
is a beautiful shade of red
Only red is vibrant enough
for our kind of love
Red like our hearts
Red like our blood
Red like our eyes
Red like our muscles
Red like our whole lives!
Every part of us working
just to stay like this
As rabbits in the flowers.

And now, a picture of me as drawn by a forum friend of mine. She's very talented (: I blocked out my name to protect my own privacy, but left her artist name.
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

I love it! My hair is darker than that, but I do have an outfit like that... and someday I will have a whip... and I am definitely a big fan of felines. I feel cool just for having this image (:

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Domination, webcam sex, and eating out. [30 Mar 2006|05:16pm]
My boyfriend has told me that he would like me to dominate him sometimes, and "make him do naughty things." I told him I would like to, and that I had fantasized about it before. It is true that I have envisioned such a situation, but being naturally more on the submissive shy side, I wonder if I can manage to act as confident as a dominatrix would. So to help me out, I did that thing I know how to do so well: research. I checked out various BDSM communities on Livejournal, and was discouraged by what I found. I don't want to torture my lover with nipple clamps or build elaborate equipment to restrain him with. But then I came upon this link: http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html It's a checklist for BDSM beginners. I decided to see what sounded like things I could or would do to dominate my boyfriend, and this is what I got:

boot worship
light bondage
Collars (worn in private)
Cuffs (leather)
Cuffs (metal)
Eye contact restrictions
Following orders
Forced masturbation
Gags (cloth)
Hair pulling (gentle)
Harnessing (rope)
Head (give fellatio/cunnilingus)
Head (recv fellatio/cunnilingus)

Binding him and blindfolding him are things I could do right away. If that goes well, I can work my way(confidence) up to things like boot worship and giving orders. And now that I think of it, maybe I would like to use a whip afterall. Not for hitting him, but just for the sound it makes and for the feeling of power just from wielding one. ...but then I'll have to go back to the adult store to get it. Bah. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. But otherwise, I am warming up to the idea of being a little dominatrix. I guess what concerns me is that I already tried being aggressive and forceful with him before, before he asked me to dominate him, and it didn't work. Why? Because I wanted to fellate him, and he didn't want to let me because he was afraid of his roommate "wondering why we were so quiet in his room", and when I tried to force myself on him anyway, he easily fended me off because he's just stronger than I am. This put a damper on my hopes for ever kinkily FORCING him into sex acts for some time. If he wants me to dominate him, he's going to have to let me do things my way. Like normally, when we're having sex and I'm on top, I sometimes find a really great rhythm and I want to be in control and stick with it, but he always grabs me at some point and pulls me down so I am flat against him and he is back in control then, thrusting into me at his own pace. When I dominate him, that is one of the things I look forward to changing. I want to tease him a lot physically, enjoy myself and take my sweet time before letting him orgasm. So I hope he lets me dominate him, and if he wants me to do a certain thing I think he should have to ask me to do it, not just tell me to do it. This could be good, if done properly. Fingers crossed (:

A while ago I admitted to him that I would like to watch him masturbate on webcam. He refused, saying he was too insecure to do it. But he seemed to indicate that I could watch him in person, and then maybe after that he would do a webcam show sometime. I still feel embarrassed about asking him to do it. I wonder if it would feel good to watch him via webcam, or just wrong. I almost touched myself for webcam on him before, but then decided against it because it didn't seem right when all I really wanted to do was make love to him in bed. You know, it almost seems demeaning, I guess. Like, the only reason we think up these things is because we are so far apart and feel desperate to interact sexually with each other somehow, and are "reduced" to discussing webcam sex. We both definitely need more confidence in ourselves sexually. Stupid distance.

The first night he ever touched my pussy was the same night he attempted to eat me out. My period had just ended the day before, and I worry that for that reason it didn't taste very good. Or maybe I naturally just don't taste good -_- Either way, he didn't really get into it, and commented that it tasted "bitter." Since then, he has never tried it again, and I have never asked him to because I can't enjoy it if I know he's doing it as a chore or a favour. And for a long time I was fine with this, but now I find myself wondering if there isn't some way to coax him to try again, and like it. If we try again, someday not so close to the end of a period, would it taste different? Or what if I put some whipped cream or painted it with something sweet, would that work? I wonder. But I haven't been able to suggest these things to him yet. Plus, I don't even know if they would work. I wonder if there's an adult product for this sort of thing. There must be. Something like edible paint or body... food.. I don't know. I mean, it can't be because I'm not CLEAN enough. I shower every day and I wash that bitch thoroughly, though I don't shove soap up in me, because that seems a bit much. There's gotta be someway... someeewaaayyy. I read that males can change the taste of their cum by what they eat. But so far I haven't read anything that says women can do something similar.

Bah to it all.
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