sexthoughts (sexthoughts) wrote,
sexthoughts
sexthoughts

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It's better to face these kinda things with a sense of poison rationality.

Things have not been going so well with my lover. Months ago, he wanted me to marry him but I was not ready and told him so. He was heartbroken. More recently, I have come to feel that I AM ready, but whenever I tell him this he says he doesn't feel that way anymore, that he's too afraid, that he is afraid I might leave him. I swear over and over again I would never do that, but he says things just aren't like they used to be. I asked him if he still wanted me to live with him, and he said he didn't think that would work out either. Now I am afraid of losing him, because he lives far away and unless I can move there or he marries me, it will be another year or so of this long distance relationship, seeing him what, only twice a year? This has had me very distressed these past few days. I talk to him about things but I cannot seem to understand him. He says he loves me, and wants only to be with me, but still he does not want me to stay with him? I just don't understand. This is affecting my sexual confidence as well. I have a hard time thinking that he used to love me enough to know he wanted to be with me forever, but now he doesn't, but he still wants me to visit every now and then and of course there will be lots of sex. It makes me feel insecure, ashamed, that I am sleeping with him because I am in love with him but I no longer know exactly how he feels about me. He seems to care, but I just don't get it. Why can't I stay with him? I don't think he's cheating. I cannot fathom him doing such a cruel thing. I just don't know what's going on. If I think about how much I love him, I feel so hurt knowing he does not seem to feel it as much as I do. But if I try to push those thoughts away, I feel like I'm "giving up" and letting our relationship become nothing more than a casual thing, which is absolutely not what I want. So insecure now, I don't know what to do.
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